Susanne Says - Dealing with Angry Teens - Part 2

 Dealing with Angry Teenagers - Part 2

Last month I shared the difficulties of dealing with angry teens. (Click here if you missed it.) The key point was to distinguish between when someone is expressing anger—which is normal and needs a healthy, boundaried outlet—and disrespect—which is using our anger against people with disparaging, condescending, mean comments.  We focused on changing the behavioral dynamic in the family between parents and teens and the importance of role modeling and owning our own anger before we can help our teenagers (or anyone else for that matter) with theirs.  We also talked about how our teens need to learn to express their anger in appropriate ways. We ended with the question: Should we permit anger at all?

WHY PERMIT ANGER?

When we permit our teens to express anger, we're ultimately permitting them to be separate from us, have a different viewpoint, become an individual, etc. I have told many parents that one key to saving your kids many hours in the therapist's office as an adult is to let them express themselves honestly and openly in the family. We don't have to agree, just show respect when our teens are speaking to us.

IS ANGER ALWAYS SIN?

Anger is just a feeling.  It's a barometer for how I'm doing in a relationship. The sinning occurs when we use our anger as a weapon against someone, to hurt or denigrate them. So yes, it is possible to be angry and sin not as Ephesians 4:26 admonishes us. For instance, if I'm angry about something and I know what’s going on for me emotionally, I could be free to say something like, "I'm really not comfortable with the decision you made on my behalf. I don't think my best interests are being considered."  If I'm disconnected from my relationship, and myself I might be inclined to say, "Are you kidding me?  I told you I'm not doing that! Not now, not ever!!! You always do this to me. There's something wrong with you! You never listen, you only think of yourself, etc., etc." The former sets a firm boundary while respecting the other person. The latter is combative and hostile. It's like throwing a torch in the relationship. We get to choose. When we role model respect, eventually, it will come back to us from our teenagers.

WHAT DOES AN ANGRY BUT RESPECTFUL EXCHANGE LOOK LIKE?

We need to take some time to really hear what our teens are saying to us. Set firm limits about being respectful, no trash talking, insults, etc. I'm not encouraging us to agree with them across the board, but if we can find one small area where we can legitimately agree or apologize, we should do so! The goal is to show them we care about their feelings, their perspective, and that we value their thoughts. This models respect for others, behavior we want to see our teens repeat.

Surprisingly, in most situations (about 80%of the time) a young person feels better just being able to get things off their chest. Everyone has a deep need to be heard and known. We can permit our teenagers to say, "I hate it when you do that," or "I hate it when things turn out that way for me."

We don’t have to remind them that we’re paying all the bills and that's why we get to make the decision. We can say something like, "I know this is tough; you will be an adult soon enough. Then all the decisions are yours, but so are the responsibilities."

One of the underlying causes of anger for teens is invalidation of feelings from people in authority. Just permitting our kids to have a chance to speak their mind can set them free from a portion of their anger. Remember this: no one skill or interaction changes the sum total of family life or parent/teen relationships. What we’re doing is endeavoring to change the emotional climate in our home. This takes perseverance and effort. We have to do our own emotional training before we require our kids to develop a new behavior.

Next month, we’ll talk about how to maintain influence in our teenagers’ lives, while making sure we avoid losing control. We’ll also differentiate between anger and rage and what to do about each. 

HELPFUL RESOURCES

• Dr. William Lee Carter's classic book,The Angry Teenager. This book talks about why teens get so angry and how parents can help.
• The Anger Workbook for Teens by Raychelle C. Lohmann is a great tool for teenagers who are willing to look at their own anger. It is chock full of techniques for anger management, coping strategies for frustration, self-control, and much more. I suggest the first book because most likely you're the one who is concerned about your teen’s anger. Don't buy the workbook unless you have a willing teenager motivated to work on their anger.
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Susanne Ciancio, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor. She has been serving the Christian community as a professional Christian counselor in Essex county and the surrounding area since 1986. Beyond her private practice in West Orange, NJ she is involved in teaching, consulting, and pastoral supervision in various churches in the area. Click here for Susanne's website. 

EDITORS NOTE: While Susanne can’t answer specific counseling-related questions, she welcomes your thoughts, comments, and suggestions about what kinds of topics you’d like to see addressed here at Circles of Faith. Click here to contact us

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Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

Bridging the Generational Gap

“Nisey, what’s an ‘app’?” my 84-year-old grandmother innocently asked me.  I explained to her that an app is short for “application,” which is a kind of mini computer program on smartphones.  I pulled my phone out, showed her how an app works, and invited her to try.  “Oh wow!” she remarked with a smile.  “Wait ‘til I tell my friends I worked an iPhone!”

There are not many people who can say that their grandmother can play Internet games, chat with you on Skype, and like your Facebook post.  But I can!  I love my grandma’s positive attitude, curiosity, and eagerness to stay up-to-date with the latest technology.  She stands out among her peers, because she is not afraid to bridge the generational gap.

Unfortunately, in our society and in our churches, the old and the young mix like oil and water. 

Each side looks to the other as distant, obscure, and un-relatable.  Walk into any church, and it is obvious that there is age-induced segregation. 

My pastor recently told me that he read an article that the younger generation of churchgoers, of which I am a part, is pushing out the older generation.  They regard the seasoned Christians as obsolete and hold no reverence toward their traditions.  Young people, in general, believe in louder music, a softer Gospel, and a theology that borders on universalism.

While that may be true, on the other hand, the older generation seems to be intimated or disinterested in the thoughts, ideas, and lives of the younger.  They often grip their traditions with white knuckles and have a difficult time adapting to things new or fresh that the 21st century brings.  To the teens and twenty-somethings, older adults are often unapproachable, dogmatic, and stern.

Churches are focusing on either young people or older people, and few are successfully integrating the two age groups.

So what do we do?

Like any healthy relationship, connection calls for compromise and communication with the right attitude.  In his book, Winning with People, John Maxwell says, “The truth is that all of us…can learn things in unlikely places – and from unlikely people.  Everybody has something to share, something to teach us.  But that’s true only if we have the right attitude.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

To my fellow young people, I must be stern.  We are not always right.  We are not entitled to have whatever we want whenever we want.  We must honor and respect our parents, grandparents, and those in authority over us.  This is biblical (see Exodus 20:12, 1 Peter 2:13-17, Hebrews 13:17)!  Instead of immediately dismissing the opinions, beliefs, and traditions that “have always been around,” we need to dig deeper to understand the story behind them.  Adopt an attitude of learning.  Inherent with age is wisdom, and we have much to learn from those who wear silver crowns of splendor (Proverbs 4:1-9, 16:31).

To learn and grow from those who have gone before us, we can:

• Inquire about stories of how those older than us came to know the Lord.
• Request an invitation to their house for dinner. 
• Ask them to teach us how to knit, cook, golf, sew, or any other skill. 

Be eager to seek wisdom. 

To the older generation, I would humbly request that you listen to your children and grandchildren.  While our ways may be difficult to understand, young people are longing to be understood.  Take time to ask us about our plans, dreams, ideas, struggles, and hopes.  Even though it may not seem so, we young people do want to listen to and learn from your successes and failures.  Make yourself available and approachable. 

As the older generation reaching out to the younger, you can:

• Ask how you can pray for us and share ways we can pray for you. 
• Value us as people and our opinions as valid.  Just as we have something to learn from you, you have something to learn from us. 
• Be the “old dog” that learns new tricks. 
• Ask us to teach you about apps, tablets, tweets, and blogs.  

Don’t lose the curiosity of your youth and dare to dream with us!

There are handfuls in each camp that do successfully bridge the gap.  My iPhone-wielding, computer-game playing, Skype-chatting, and Facebook-status-liking grandmother is proof that it can be done. I have purposed to get together with two of the older women in my church. One is an amazing chef, and I want to learn how she cooks! The other is a floral designer and interior decorator. She has experience sewing, as well, which has always been something I've wanted to learn. They both offered to teach me their crafts, but I had to be the one to initiate.

So let us adopt the attitude that we can learn from one another.  Let’s stop the pattern of division that is developing and enter into true relationship.  Let us bridge the generational gap! 

Together, we can revere the past and develop creative ways to bring new life into our relationships for the future.

Comments welcome here.

A native of New Jersey, Denise Trio is a full-time worship leader, mentor, designer, and blogger based out of Fort Lauderdale, FL. She wants to use her voice to inspire others to seek healing and pursue restoration of broken relationships. Follow on her blog Blond Moment of the Day or on Twitter.  

photo credit: Simon Blackley via photopincc

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. 

How Can We Trust God in the Hard Times?

"So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:10

This verse above was how I ended my last post - a post about rubbish being restored. Who knew? Who knew what devastation was to occur within 36 hours of that post? Only God. 

It'shard, no it’s impossible, for me to hold it together seeing the images and hearing the stories from Oklahoma. The children. The destruction. The seeming randomness of it all. Why were some spared while others were obliterated?

Here in New Jersey, we had similar experiences at the hand of Hurricane Sandy. Seven months ago, total destruction randomly meted out.

This morning’s Jesus Calling lends some insight:

I, the Creator of the universe,am with you and for you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. … you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!

I feel conflicted when I read this. Yes, God is the Comforter who offers worry-free abundant life. But He’s also the Creator of the universe, so couldn’t He prevent this?

Well yes, He could. But in this instance, He didn’t. My earthly mind thinks this is harsh. But my spirit seeks truth from the Word. And this is where it starts to make a little sense. Often we never fully know the whys of situations like this. But we can know in part.

The Word tells us that God used hardship and persecution to accomplish His purposes:

- of bringing His people, the nation of Israel, back into relationship with Him.

- of leading His people, the church, out of Jerusalem to share the Gospel in the outermost parts of the earth.

- of allowing His people individually to seek comfort, solace, strength, purpose, vision, courage, in Him the Source.

If we trust in Him in the good times, how much more do we need to trust in Him during the hard?

Seven months ago, the Jersey Shore appeared without hope and beyond repair. Many areas still remain just as they were. But other areas are being given new life. They are restored stronger and better than they were before. Progress is being made daily. Most of the beaches and boardwalks will be open next weekend for Memorial Day even though the construction continues.

If in the physical realm, we can achieve more than we imagine possible at the moment of heartache, how much more can we as believers, with infinite resources to call upon, rise above our circumstances in hope.

Right now, things in Oklahoma appear to be without hope and beyond repair. But that’s just the beginning of the story. The Psalmist said:

I waited patiently for theLord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mudand mire;

he set my feeton a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new songin my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear theLord

and put their trustin him. Ps. 40:1-3

Lord, we pray for those who are experiencing unimaginable loss and destruction in Oklahoma. We grieve with them. We ask that You bathe the area in Your promise of hope for the future, provide the needed resources, burden hearts to offer help, comfort those in despair. May we see You and experience Your peace in the midst and the aftermath of the storm. In the steady rock named Jesus we pray, Amen.

How you can help:

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/

http://www.worldvision.org/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/20/how-to-help-oklahoma_n_3308962.html

http://www.weather.com/news/tornado-central/salvation-army-red-cross-providing-help-20130520

 Comments welcome here.

Susan Panzica is a Jewish Jersey girl who loves Jesus, her family, the ocean, and mangos. Her passion is to bring an eternal perspective to earthly matters through writing, speaking, teaching, and coffee dates. A quasi-emptynester who works with her chiropractor husband, she thoroughly enjoys when her college age children are home, with or without all their friends. Susan is a speaker, women and children’s Bible teacher, and writer of the devotional blog Eternity Café. You can also check out Susan at www.susanpanzica.com

photo credit: ZY-CO via photopincc

Dear Me | My Story of Reflection (Part 2)

Last month, I shared with you how God inspired me to write a letter to my younger self. Doing this created a special time of reflection for me. This experience has allowed me to:

• See how God has moved throughout my life.
• Identify unforgiveness of myself and others so I can walk in obedience, forgiveness, and freedom.
• Use this time of journaling/writing to encourage myself when future disappointments happen.
• Encourage others about the beauty of His loving hand as evidenced in my life.

Have you ever wondered what you would say to the younger you, if you had the opportunity to write a letter with the perspective you have today?

What would you say? How would you say it?

Here is what I said:

Dear Diana – Age 15

There’s so much I want to say to you but don’t know where to start.

I know that sometimes you cry because you are so scared of your dad coming home drunk and screaming at your mom or at you and your sister. You don’t know what to expect day to day. I want to share with you that God is with you and sees every tear you cry.

You’ve felt that there’s so much uncertainty and instability in your life, He is right beside you holding you. You live a life of fear and intimidation, but Dad is not representing God in the right way because there is no fear in love and God’s Word says that perfect love casts out all fear.

God will not withhold his love from you like the people in your life have. I know it’s because you haven’t received the right kind of love from Dad that you have made bad decisions. You have accepted false representations of love from boys and young men.

When you accept Jesus in your heart, God will make you a new person and redeem those experiences. Jesus died on the cross for your sins and mistakes. There will be no more guilt, no more condemnation, and no more shame.

The devil will try to convince you that you aren’t forgiven, but Jesus paid the highest price…His death for your salvation, forgiveness, deliverance, and healing of your pain. And as far as the east is from the west, that’s how far God has removed your sins from you.

The empty void that you feel inside, that doesn’t seem to get filled, will overflow with God’s love, mercy, tenderness, joy, and peace. You will no longer feel alone and forgotten. I want you to know that God has created YOU with a divine purpose and plan. That He thought about you before He placed you in your mother’s womb. His plans for you are for your good and not for evil and to give you a hope and a future.

I know it’s so hard to see this beautiful future. There is so much more to endure before believing and living its truth, but it’s true. The inadequacy of how you feel now will develop and turn into an assurance because you are the daughter of not just any god but the most High God, Creator of Heaven and earth, The King!

Your inadequacy will turn into authority because you are His child. Hold on! Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. God has given you gifts and talents that He hasn’t given to anyone else. Use them!

God has forgiven you and you are commanded to forgive others. He will continue to forgive you, so you will not be bitter and make decisions out of your wounds. Forgive, just as you have been forgiven!

God will demonstrate deep love from His Holy Spirit; this will be one of the ways God demonstrates how alive He is today. So love others just as He loves you!

__________________

I’m sharing this personal writing because maybe you can identify with my pain. I want you to be encouraged. I hope that the healing I’ve experienced will give you hope to go through a time of reflection that can lead to your own healing. This freedom is available to you. My healing only happened by developing a relationship with Jesus Christ. It is that relationship with Him that has allowed me to forgive. If you don’t know Him, I pray you will open your heart and take the best step of your life; to accept Jesus into your heart and life today.

Diana Jones is a compassionate wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. She is passionate about sharing God's love and all that He has done throughout her life. She is also looking for opportunities to grow spiritually through reading, prayer, singing, and being in fellowship with others. She is thankful for the opportunity share her stories here at Circles of Faith. You can follow her at Twitter. 

Today’s Feast: Mulligatawny Soup

I gave my daughter my last dollar this morning.

Looking into my wallet, I thought, “I got nothin’.” I was expecting a deposit to hit my account this morning; it hadn’t arrived. (Good thing I didn’t make a pre-drop off production of getting to the bank; that could’ve proved embarrassing…)  Clearly I needed to remember from whence my provision comes. I sighed quietly. Clear that it was solely my business, and no one else’s burden, I gave away the cash. That’s what mommies do.

“I got nothin’.”  Not a good feeling.

In reality, I have shelter, food, a car that carries me where I need to go when I need to get there without incident, and I have gas, even at today’s prices. I am not empty, even if I feel that way. I work hard at being the loving mother, the supportive wife, the “ride or die” friend. I’m just wallowing in being human.

Lately, I’ve been paralyzed by my humanness. I believe that all is well, and know the anxiety I’m feeling will soon pass, but I think I need a break.

I’m growing weary.

I’m just guilty of being human. That’s why Psalms 139 is such a comfort and a blessing. It reminds us that we are never alone.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

   for darkness is as light to you. Psalms 139:7-12(NIV)

Despite what we feel, we are not empty.

Suddenly, that realization is enough. I am sufficiently encouraged to get off my duff, get over myself, and go make lemonade with my lemons. Or, make dinner from what’s in my pantry (yup, that’s today’s feast, so stand by for the recipe). Having re-read Psalms 139, I’m looking up, instead of feeling down, and it didn’t cost me a thing. Thank You, Lord for pointing me once again in the direction of the obvious…my growing pile of evidence that God is Good.

When I’m feeling like I got nothin’, I go to my well-stocked pantry. This is lunch, and I haven’t spent a dime.

Today’s Feast: Mulligatawny Soup

3T olive oil

3/4 c diced onion

3/4 c diced celery

3/4 c diced carrot

3/4 c diced mini sweet peppers

2 heaping T curry

1t salt (only if necessary, taste first)

1.5 T flour

1 box (32 oz) chicken stock in the box (I use low sodium)

1 finely diced medium apple

½ c leftover cooked chicken

Leaves from one sprig of fresh thyme

2 T coconut cream

• Heat oil in heavy bottomed sauce pan on medium high heat until it shimmers.
• Cook the vegetables, allowing them to caramelize.
• Add the curry, pushing vegetables to the side to allow the curry to toast intensifying its flavor.
• Stir in flour to make a roux.
• Add broth, scraping the bottom of the pan to deglaze and then reduce heat to low and cook for about a half hour.
• Add the apple.
• Now add the salt, if necessary (adding salt earlier in the cooking process may cause the vegetables to release their water, steaming instead of caramelizing them). It’s important to taste the soup at this point, because with seasoned leftover chicken, you might not need salt at all.  
• Cook another 10-15 minutes, until apples are tender.
• Finally, add coconut to finish.

When life gets particularly rough,

there is comfort in that

in an imperfect world,

a perfect God loves us,

and abides with us,

through all things 

What's your favorite comfort food? Tell us HERE.

Rochelle Wilson

Rochelle blogs at Treat Me to a Feast about her life lived forward, reviewed backward, through the lens of faith. She’s a PK (Pastor’s Kid), who’s been a Baptist church musician since she was five. Always a dancer and athlete, as an adult she turned to liturgical dance to deepen her personal worship.  It worked. Rochelle laughs a lot, is married to her first love and prom date nearly 20 years ago. Together God gave them two children and a boxer who is the other love of her life, confidante, therapist, and physical trainer.

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Being on the Other Side of the Journey

Those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy. Psalm 126:5

I woke up feeling low. No particular reason I could identify. As Chris and I headed out on our walk, I pushed back my sadness and embraced the crisp beautiful day.

There had been a mighty wind blowing the night before, so our walk was littered with fallen branches, large and small.

Toward the end of our walk, we came across an adorable petite thirty-something who was hauling a very large heavy limb off the sidewalk.

Chris commented, “That’s quite a twig.”

She smiled, “I know…it’s a little heavy. I’m just gonna trying to drag it out of the way.” (Chris would’ve been the first to help her, but she was almost done.)

As we continued to walk, I burst into tears. They streamed down my face. Chris didn’t skip a beat, he continued talking, looking straight ahead, and didn’t notice.

“Hon, do you realize I’m crying here?”

I didn’t blame him…there wasn’t really any warning. I had gone from smiling to weeping almost instantly.

It struck me hard, 25 years of full-time mothering is coming to a close. It’s a time of transition. And that brings with it both promise and uncertainty.

That young mom was a living, breathing reminder that I am on the other side of so much.

For as long as I can remember, what I wanted most in life was to get married and have kids. And I did that. I lived in the burbs, had lots of mother-friends, baked (did lots of that), cooked (did some of that), and quilted (never got to that).

And now, this part of my life draws to a close.

Of course, I’ll go on with a full life. I’ve got plenty of other things to do—I’ll still be the editor of www.CirclesOfFaith.org and Healthcare Marketer’s Exchange. I’ll still have numerous freelance writing and editing jobs. I’ll continue expanding my writing coaching and workshops. I am thankful that I really enjoy my work. And I’ll still have my wonderful husband, family, friends, and my children…just not full time.

Today when I glance out of my home office into the living room, there is young life out there…

My vibrant busy funny and lively daughter perches at her desk. She too is on the other side of something, leaving her childhood and the only home she has ever known. She will be off to college in a few months. Before her lies the promise and hope of all that is to come. Soon she will occupy a new space.

And the space she leaves behind will be oh so empty.

What’s Your Story?

Where are you on the journey of life? Are you transitioning from one thing to another?       

Note: Click Here for a sampling of a Sara Groves CD that influenced the title of this post. 

Elise has been married for 28 years and is mom to four mostly grown girls. She is a writer, editor, writing coach, and blogger. She believes we all have stories that matter--big life bios and small meaningful moments. Elise believes our stories are a reflection of God’s glory and are meant to be shared. They have the power to inform, reform, and transform. She loves God, familly, friends...and really likes travel!

photo credit: rosipaw via photopin cc

Our Contributors

Today We Introduce and Officially Welcome Our Team of Regular Contributors!

Part of the vision for Circles Of Faith has been to gather a team of contributors who would join us online once a month to share their unique stories, ideas, and thoughts on faith, life, and community.

In the seven months since we launched Circles Of Faith, each of these wonderful women has written for us, offering their unique view and varying experiences on the path of faith and life. We’re delighted to welcome them on a regular basis. Click on their names below to learn more about them.

We hope you enjoy getting to know our contributors…and we hope you feel part of the community that is Circles Of Faith. We are here to serve and are thankful for every one of you!

                             

 Susanne Ciancio, LPC                    Diana Jones                  Micalagh Beckwith Moritz

                                                                                                                                        Only Small Things 

 

                                   

Noelle Rhodes                                         Denise Trio                               Rochelle Wilson

Coffee with Noelle                           Blonde Moment of the Day               Treat Me to a Feast

Many Blessings,

Elise and Kimberly

P.S. Please contact us if you have any suggestions for improving our site or if you would be interested in sharing your story with us. And please be sure and Like Us on Facebook and Follow Us on Twitter. 

A Journey of Community

In July 2011, right after my husband and I were married, we moved into a cute row home in a small city in Pennsylvania, in a low-income neighborhood. Some, particularly my parents, questioned this choice in location.

While this neighborhood has a negative reputation (high crime, low performing school, etc.), we also see its many strengths, and wanted to live here for a couple of reasons. First, for about five years, we had both been involved in ministry with kids in this inner-city neighborhood and wanted to be close to the kids and families we had formed relationships with. Second, two groups of friends had already bought row homes on either side of a house that “coincidentally” became available right when we were looking for a place we could move into after we were married. This was a great opportunity to live in community with friends.

Why was it important for us to live close to these friends?

Well, the short answer is that we felt it was something God was calling us to do. After meeting for close to two years with these friends for prayer and spiritual practices, we decided to commit more deeply to sharing our lives with one another. There were several reasons that we felt this was important. We wanted to become a family to one another, to support and encourage each other, living in close proximity. We wanted to live more simply and be able to share meals, tools, everyday interactions, joys, and concerns. While we looked at other options, such as a large house to live in together, when these three houses opened up in a row, it and ended up being the best option for all of us. It seemed a very clear answer from God.

What is intentional community?

At my college, Messiah, a small liberal arts Christian school, the word “community” was often tossed around, integrated within each class, within the resident halls, within our chapel services. I guess after four years of hearing it enough, it became a part of me, and a part of how I wanted to live my life.

The word community has many meanings. A simple search on Dictionary.com turns out five different definitions. This includes: “a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage,” and interestingly, definition Number Five: “Ecclesiastical. A group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.”

My understanding of the word, community, in the way I try to live it out, is probably somewhere in between these two definitions. “Intentional communities” can come in many forms. Our living in such close proximity to one another is just one expression of this concept.

Our Place on Derry

Our community is called, “Our Place on Derry.” We chose a name that included our location, as well as an acknowledgement that while we currently have seven members, we want it to be a place where the larger community can feel welcome as well. During our time as a community, almost two years now, we have had as many as 13 members, based on who is living in the row houses at the time. Each of us is committed to hospitality, and has welcomed friends, family members, and sometimes even strangers to stay with us as needs arose. Currently, we meet for a meal weekly and rotate cooking and hosting so that each house gets a turn. We end our meal with a conversation about community, a Bible study, a spiritual practice, or an update on one another’s lives. And we always close in prayer.  We often sing together as well!

Who We Are

As I mentioned before, we all feel connected to the neighborhood we live in, and being present here is important to us. While none of us come from this area, and we all come from very different backgrounds from most of our neighbors, we want to form relationships with those who are different from us. We want to form mutual relationships in which we can learn from one another. We want to be “salt and light” to a neighborhood that has a bad reputation but much diversity and many strengths. We all have jobs locally, contributing to the larger community in some way. Our group includes a school therapist (that’s me!), an urban farmer (my husband), a racial justice coordinator at a non-profit, two youth workers, and several who support adults with disabilities.

How We Live

In the past, we have had cookouts where we’ve hosted our neighbors and we have had gatherings with other intentional communities in the city. We have tithed together to local organizations, we have put together baskets of food for friends in need. We have spent lots of time talking through our vision, mission, and the way we want to live them out practically.

Outside of structured times with one another, we also try to be intentional about being part of one another’s lives. We share the proverbial “cup of sugar,” or tablespoon of curry, can of coconut milk, stick of butter. We share a lawnmower and various tools, even vacuum cleaners. In a culture of materialism, our arrangement allows us to share more and buy less. And in an age of individualism, it allows us to be closely connected to others. One of the first things we did when we moved in was to take down our fences so that we could walk easily and freely from one house to another.

In some ways, living in community has been very hard work. Living with people who have different backgrounds, views, and styles of communicating is hard. But it is worth it as well . Our burdens are lighter because we shoulder them together, and our celebrations are even more joyful for the same reason. Through deaths of family members, job losses, engagements, new jobs, weddings, and trips far away, we have journeyed alongside one another. We learn so much from one another, how to love each other more, and new ways of seeing God in and around us.

We are constantly learning about how to be better neighbors to one another and those around us. This is one way that my friends and I live out our faith in Christ.  We are constantly adapting what we do and how we do it to meet one another’s needs at a given time. As we are changing, our community changes as well.

Resources

We try to learn from those who have come before us. Some great resources on living in community that have inspired us include:

Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community, Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Community and Growth, Jean Vanier

The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, Shane Claiborne

The Intentional Christian Community Handbook: For Idealists, Hypocrites, and Wannabe Disciples of Jesus, David Janzen

Journey Inward, Journey Outward,  Elizabeth O’Connor (and any other book by O’Connor!)

Micalagh Beckwith Moritz is a social worker, a writer, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a community member...continually learning how to do a better job at each of these roles. She is newly married (if under 2 years still counts as "new"!) and currently working as a school-based clinical therapist. She is always contemplating how to love others better and to enjoy the small things of life; to see God in everything...and everyone. Also important to note- she loves cheese, speaking French, and experiencing different cultures (whether in or out of the United States)! Micalagh blogs at Only Small Things.

photo credit: lumierefl via photopincc

Choosing to Be a Mother

This past January there was a lot of chatter on television and the Internet surrounding the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  While over the years I have not thought much about it, the buzz online stirred up thoughts that began circling around in my head about one fateful decision I made 39 years ago concerning the birth of my firstborn child.

I was 24 and my husband Michael was 29.  I was working as a hairdresser in a prestigious hair salon when I discovered that I was pregnant.  I was excited about the idea of having a child, but I was concerned about whether or not we could afford one.  When I married my husband I had also married his debts.

I immediately called my husband with the good news only to find out that he wasn’t as excited as I was.

He said he wanted me to get an abortion. 

“What?”  I couldn’t believe he said that to me.  I was surprised to find out that we had such different reactions to this pregnancy.  He had always wanted more than one child, and I wanted less than five.  However, I thought that he believed as I did, that an abortion was the shedding of innocent blood.“I am not killing this baby!”  I said to him.

Even though I did not have any church or Bible teaching on the subject, I knew that there was a baby growing on the inside of me and the idea of ending its life was out of the question.

In December of 1974 I gave birth to a 7lb., 6oz., baby girl. 

In the early years of our marriage, my husband’s job kept him on the road traveling most of the time so it was left up to me to raise our daughter the first few years of her life.  Four years after she was born, our small family relocated to New York, where the home base of my husband’s company was located. I soon discovered I was pregnant with our second child. 

Michael’s reaction to this second pregnancy was not the same as the first.  Our daughter had been such a delight to us that any fears my husband had about having children quickly disappeared.

I surrendered my life to God when our daughter was in third grade. 

We attended a church where the uncompromised Word of God was being taught.  It was a small church and my children sat next to me every Wednesday night and Sunday morning as the pastor taught the congregation.  After I learned about the power of God and how to take the promises of God and turn them into prayers, I began to pray every day for my children. I was able to encourage and instruct them in the Word of God in everything that we did.

Then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1997.

 My daughter was by my side constantly speaking words of faith she had learned over the years. She would remind me that faith comes by hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17) and that With Godall things are possible (Matthew 19:26), even my healing.

Deuteronomy 30:19, Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live.

39 years ago I chose life and I am so thankful that I did.

Michael and I both are so very grateful that we did not abort our little girl.  Our daughter has grown into a lovely Proverbs 31 woman.  She is married and has given us three wonderful grandchildren. They are being taught the principles and character of God and to have a relationship with His Son Jesus Christ. She is a wife, stay-at-home mom, blogger, designer, and entrepreneur.  She enjoys volunteering at her children’s school, running, and reading.  She and her family also enjoy traveling the country with Michael and me in our RV.  She has touched the lives of many people throughout the years with her peaceful and kind manner.  

The joy that our daughter has given to us over the years is priceless.

I made the choice for life and my descendants are now a living testimony to the goodness of God because of that choice. 

If you find yourself being pressured into terminating your pregnancy by having an abortion, I want to encourage you to remember my story concerning my daughter.  God has plans of a future and hope for both you and your child.  If you cannot find support from your family, there are many people and agencies that will lend a helping hand. Click here for a comprehensive resource.

My prayer for all moms is that you will find as much joy and delight in your child as I have had in mine.

Are you struggling with a hard choice? 

Martha Wentz has been married for 41 years and is a mother of 2 grown children, grandmother of 3 small children. She ministerd to children, ages 7-9, for 18 years.  She also ministered for 9 years in Victorious Overcomers, a support group. Her body was healed of cancer and her marriage saved from divorce by the power & mercy of the One True Living God! She is the author of Unforgiveness, Cancer, and Healing. Click here to follow her on Twitter.

photo credit: storyvillegirl via photopincc

Facebook Giveaway

Did you know Circles of Faith has a Facebook Page?

During the month of May all new Facebook fans will be entered to win the DVD and book She's Got Issues along with a reusable tumbler to fill with your favorite iced drink...Starbucks on us! 

Be sure to share this Giveaway with a friend!

When a Home Renovation Leads to a Spiritual Lesson

We are about to start a home reno project.

It's something my husband and I have talked about since we moved into our 80-year-old home several years ago. The kitchen is original to the house, so are the bathrooms, we are redoing both.  I have been looking through magazines, sketching ideas, and drawing numerous plans trying to generate ideas for the project. 

Our architect came over the other night and dropped off the schematic designs. These are the plans that show us the ideas he's come up with. Once we give him the thumbs up, he’ll start drawing the plans the contractor will use to build from.  

Many times I became discouraged waiting for this process to begin. Each day I contend with cabinet doors that don’t close, never ending flaky paint, and leaky plumbing. I started to loose hope that things would never change.

Seeing those drawings cured the discouragement I experienced in the waiting.

My excitement for the project was renewed once I saw the rooms of our house illustrated on paper. I am a visual person, so I am not surprised that this is what it took to jumpstart my delight.  Each time I glance at the drawings lying on my dining room table, I can't help but smile. I have a bounce in my step anticipating the changes that are going to take place in my home.

I am reminded of how my faith in prayer ebbs and flows too. 

I am thrilled when I come across a scripture in the Bible that meets a need in my life. I begin to pray and trust my situation to God. Early in the journey, there is joy in the anticipation of what lies ahead, what God will do in my circumstance. Somewhere between the beginning and the answered prayer, though, I grow apathetic. Just like my enthusiasm for a new kitchen began to wane over the last year, I lose steam when I am waiting for the promises of God to be fulfilled in my life.  It's easy in the lull to get discouraged or distracted.

I hate riding that emotional roller coaster.

So I came up with some ideas that might help steady me. Maybe they’ll help you too!

• Be thankful for where I am now.

• Write down what I am praying for and any relevant scriptures.

• Memorize scripture that encourages me.

• Memorize a new scripture. Praying just one or two Bible verses over and over will sow that promise into my heart but it may get stale and my prayers may become rote. So change it up.

• Read books or blog posts that build my faith.

• Remind myself of what God has done in my life in the past. Share it with others. Listen to or read the testimonies of others.

• Pray with a friend.

• Keep the vision literally in front of me. Hang up a picture or a sign that reminds me of what I are looking forward to.

I have taken these steps individually and they have given me a boost when I need it. However, I have also carried them out collectively, as apart of a long-term strategy and it’s enabled me to go the distance.

Many months will pass before our home project will be complete. There are still final drawings to come, a contractor to choose, and finishes to pick out. Once the transformation begins, the lives we’re accustomed to will no doubt be disrupted. Strangers will be in and out of our house and dust will be everywhere. I bet I will be tempted to lose my enthusiasm again.  However, if I keep those drawings handy, looking at them often, I’ll have what I need to maintain my joy, knowing that one day soon, my kitchen/bathroom makeover will be finished.

How about you? What steps do you take to keep the faith in the waiting? Tell us here.

KimberlyAmici is an enthusiastic and dedicated founding member of the Circles of Faith team. She is known for her creativity, strong faith, and commitment to living life with purpose and passion. Kimberly is a writer and community builder whose desire is for hearts to be healed, minds to be renewed and women to be connected in fellowship just as God intended.

Follow Kimberly her blog at Living in the Sweet Spot, Facebook, or on Twitter.Click here for her full bio.